I'm a Family Lawyer but I'd Never Handle my Own Divorce. Here's Why.

Why a family lawyer would still hire a divorce lawyer of their own — and what that says about the difference between competence and capacity.

I would never handle my own divorce, even though I’m a family lawyer.

That usually surprises people. It has nothing to do with my skill and competency. In fact, I would hire myself if I could clone myself - I am a fantastic lawyer. I just do not want to handle my own divorce because it’s stressful.

Even if you’ve never been married but have suffered a devastating breakup (a real breakup, not a letdown because a situationship did not work out), you can relate to the swirling vortex of deep, complex, uncomfortable, and unpredictable emotions. And you also know that it spans months, maybe even years. Now imagine trying to navigate paperwork and the legal system in the middle of that. If you have kids, throw in carpooling and figuring out your schedule for the next few years (oh, and you’re also a single parent now, btw). I’m simply not interested.

That’s not to say I would be totally absent from the process. I’d assemble and submit my own financial disclosure, of course, and review any court applications. But dealing with the opposing party and their counsel, looking through their financial disclosure, filing, progressing the file; no thanks. I’d basically outsource anything emotionally, mentally, and/or physically taxing. Separation and divorce are brutal; I’m happy to pay some money in order to spare my feelings and protect my peace where I can.

Also, handling someone else’s divorce is very different from handling your own. You cannot compartmentalize the same because it’s you and your life. Besides, it’s just nice to have someone in your corner. You don’t have to fight your own fight; let them do it.

Also, as a lawyer hiring another divorce lawyer, it would actually be cool to see it from the other side as a client. I’d take detailed notes and improve my own practice with what I saw. And you better believe that Google review at the conclusion of services will be detailed.

To be clear, this applies if, heaven forbid, my separation is not amicable. I’m perfectly capable of sitting down and having an adult discussion about separation and divorce with the hypothetical spouse with whom I have fallen out of love - as long as he is cooperative. It’s a fight I’m not interested in. Not just because I find them exhausting. I also think that if someone’s emotions are out of control to the point where they can’t have a productive negotiation, then there are probably still lingering feelings, whether it's love, resentment, or something else. In that case, sometimes the best way to proceed is to cut off their access and limit their dealings to attorneys.

And to me, my reasons for not wanting to deal with my own divorce remind me of what it is I offer my clients as a lawyer that goes beyond legal advice and counseling. It’s the reassurance, having one less thing to do, feeling supported throughout the process, and having someone to take some of the emotional burden off you.

My philosophy: life is hard enough - if you can, let someone help you carry the burden.