The thought of declaring that a file was too much for me crossed my mind this week.

The client is lovely. It’s the opposing counsel I’m having difficulty with. You could not get this woman to say if she thought the sky was blue. She will not answer questions. She will hurl thinly veiled insults in emails. I even got an email saying she would not respond to any more of my emails or letters. The Rules of our profession make responding to letters mandatory, which I advised her of. I hope she didn’t bill her client for the lengthy personal essay she wrote in response. Not a single question answered btw.

I will be honest with you: it has me rattled. This is my third ever file, and it’s by far the most dramatic and demanding. I know difficult counsel exists, but I am truly baffled at the total unwillingness to be helpful and productive. For a moment, I thought it might be a bit much for a brand new lawyer.

But a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Before the thought of giving up was even finished crossing my mind, I decided this was actually not something I would give up on. This is a fantastic learning opportunity, and I would be a fool to give up. I want to be the best lawyer I can be. If I can practice dealing with difficult opposing counsel, why wouldn't I take that?

I decided to shift my mindset about how I deal with this lawyer. This was no longer difficult counsel; this was a test of what I have learned and how to apply that knowledge effectively.

I’ve read a ton of literature on conflict resolution and the psychology behind getting people to negotiate productively. I’ve taken courses in college and law school about this. I have three awards for mediation. I’ve had positions, paid and volunteered, where I’ve successfully progressed stuck issues. I have a solid foundation of knowledge and experience; I would be stupid to doubt my ability. I can do it; I just have to figure out how to do it in this situation.

I won’t go into further detail to protect the matter’s privacy, but just know that once I remembered who TF I am, I locked in right away. I put together a strategy and put it to the client. They agreed right away, we implemented the first phase, and we saw an improvement immediately - I did not get another email cussing me out. We also didn't get an answer, but at least I’ve nipped the unprofessional communication in the bud. After three days of getting nowhere, I’ll take the win.

But I credit the mindset shift for helping my clarity. When she was just a difficult lawyer, I was frustrated and found dealing with her emotionally draining. Seeing her as someone I could test out my education, training, and skills on made me excited to deal with her. It’s also an exercise in trusting myself; I know exactly what to do. And if I don’t, I’m lucky to be at a firm with multiple senior lawyers willing to help at a moment’s notice.

A major part of dispute resolution is identifying the underlying problem. I reflected on the counsel’s behavior, what was likely going through her mind, and why she was pushing for the one thing she would move forward with me on. That reflection made me realize what OC was likely trying to achieve- a death-grip control on the process. Meanwhile, I actually wanted this to be a team effort. Once I figured that out, I sent her a carefully thought-out letter and - bada bing, bada boom - we got the matter moving forward.

I’m so proud of myself for this one.

I would never handle my own divorce, even though I’m a family lawyer.

That usually surprises people. It has nothing to do with my skill and competency. In fact, I would hire myself if I could clone myself - I am a fantastic lawyer. I just do not want to handle my own divorce because it’s stressful.

Even if you’ve never been married but have suffered a devastating breakup (a real breakup, not a letdown because a situationship did not work out), you can relate to the swirling vortex of deep, complex, uncomfortable, and unpredictable emotions. And you also know that it spans months, maybe even years. Now imagine trying to navigate paperwork and the legal system in the middle of that. If you have kids, throw in carpooling and figuring out your schedule for the next few years (oh, and you’re also a single parent now, btw). I’m simply not interested.

That’s not to say I would be totally absent from the process. I’d assemble and submit my own financial disclosure, of course, and review any court applications. But dealing with the opposing party and their counsel, looking through their financial disclosure, filing, progressing the file; no thanks. I’d basically outsource anything emotionally, mentally, and/or physically taxing. Separation and divorce are brutal; I’m happy to pay some money in order to spare my feelings and protect my peace where I can.

Also, handling someone else’s divorce is very different from handling your own. You cannot compartmentalize the same because it’s you and your life. Besides, it’s just nice to have someone in your corner. You don’t have to fight your own fight; let them do it.

Also, as a lawyer hiring another divorce lawyer, it would actually be cool to see it from the other side as a client. I’d take detailed notes and improve my own practice with what I saw. And you better believe that Google review at the conclusion of services will be detailed.

To be clear, this applies if, heaven forbid, my separation is not amicable. I’m perfectly capable of sitting down and having an adult discussion about separation and divorce with the hypothetical spouse with whom I have fallen out of love - as long as he is cooperative. It’s a fight I’m not interested in. Not just because I find them exhausting. I also think that if someone’s emotions are out of control to the point where they can’t have a productive negotiation, then there are probably still lingering feelings, whether it's love, resentment, or something else. In that case, sometimes the best way to proceed is to cut off their access and limit their dealings to attorneys.

And to me, my reasons for not wanting to deal with my own divorce remind me of what it is I offer my clients as a lawyer that goes beyond legal advice and counseling. It’s the reassurance, having one less thing to do, feeling supported throughout the process, and having someone to take some of the emotional burden off you.

My philosophy: life is hard enough - if you can, let someone help you carry the burden.

I’m going to talk a lot about collaborative practice on this blog, so I figure an introduction post makes sense.

Not everyone knows what it is - but they should. Think of it as divorce for emotionally intelligent people. It’s not for every couple, but if it is, this is a fantastic way to navigate the separation and divorce process.

What Is Collaborative Practice?

Collaborative practice (also known by its street name, “CP”) is an alternative dispute resolution process that offers couples an out-of-court option for navigating their separation and divorce.

Both parties are represented by their own legal counsel. There are also often professionals hired during the process called “neutrals”. These can be financial experts, parenting coordinators, or anyone who can give unbiased assistance during the separation process. The process is customized to be as amicable and efficient as possible.

During the CP process, everyone is an active participant. Parties are asked questions, allowed to speak up, and are encouraged to be open throughout the process. The ultimate goal is that everyone is heard, everyone is involved, and the terms of separation/divorce will offer meaningful and impactful solutions.

How Does it Compare to Litigation?

Collaborative practice is similar to litigation in that both parties are represented by an attorney who advocates for their interests. The lawyer(s) should be certified by the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP). Also similar to litigation is that CP requires complete financial disclosure during the process.

Unlike litigation, it is centered on more intimate communication - all the parties are involved. You all sit together in the room, and everyone is an active participant in the process. The lawyers essentially play a balanced role of advocate and counselor. You’ll be asked what you want and why you want it. When done correctly, CP places a very strong emphasis on digging deeper into people’s emotions and having a more meaningful conversation to guide negotiations.

It also helps to keep the process as amicable as possible. Parties face each other and can speak to why they are asking for what they want. The lawyers act as mediators if tempers flare or discussions become unproductive.

What are the Benefits?

There are a number of benefits that good collaborative practice aims to satisfy.

Preservation of the Relationship. Separation and divorce are never easy, but CP tries to keep the process amicable. Ensuring that both parties remain respectful during the process can be tricky. When someone is grieving a relationship, they can become unpredictable, and you never know what mood they may be in the day of a negotiation. Working with lawyers and neutrals helps to keep the conversation focused, on track, and unbiased.

More Cost-Effective. A standard trial retainer can be anywhere from $20,000 to $60,000+, depending on the lawyer, resources, and time. CP aims to reduce the cost through faster resolution. The parties also share the costs of neutral professionals so that one party isn’t stuck managing all/most of the costs.

Faster. The courts are busy, so if you can stay out of them, you can likely resolve your issues sooner. Instead of waiting for a court date to become available (which is often months out, maybe even a year), a separation agreement can be reached through CP as quickly as both parties can find qualified lawyers and professionals and then sit down to agree. It’s easier to book a boardroom than a courtroom.

Privacy. A lot of people forget that, when a matter goes to trial, it becomes public. Anyone can come into the courthouse and watch the proceedings, and a published decision lives on in perpetuity for anyone to look up and read through. And decisions spill all of your business: salaries, addresses, phone numbers, and the intimate details of someone’s romantic and family life. Extremely necessary for the preservation of a good justice system, but certainly a situation you may want to avoid if you can help it. The CP process, discussions, and outcome stay between the parties and the professionals.

What are the Downsides?

Gotta get new lawyers if it doesn’t work out (well, I guess whether it's a downside depends on whether you like your lawyer or not). A standard hallmark of CP is that, if the process does not work and it proceeds to litigation, you must abandon your lawyer and hire a new one. The reason is that CP discussions between parties are open and honest in a way that litigation is not. To encourage people to be candid during CP, you want a clause that prevents a lawyer from weaponizing the other side’s vulnerabilities. The best way is to just ensure that a litigation process is started from a clean slate with new lawyers.

Collaborative practice is not for every couple. Both parties need to have at least a basic level of respect for themselves and each other in order to make the process work. If one person is acting out of anger and/or with any malice, this is likely not the process to pursue. My position is that it’s also not the right process to pursue if there is abuse between the parties at all; mental, physical, emotional, sexual, etc.

CP does not have the powers a court does. Sometimes this is irrelevant, sometimes not. This is somewhat an extension of the point that CP is not for every couple. Sometimes, one or both parties are beyond an amicable resolution and need a more powerful force, like a court, to move the process forward. A judge can order support payments, grant motions, compel attendance, award costs against an unruly party, and use several other mechanisms to restore order to chaos. In CP, everyone must agree and consent. In court, whoever the judge deems to have the facts and law on their side wins.

So, like everything, CP has its ups and downs. But, overall, I think it’s a fantastic way to go through separation and divorce if you and your spouse are amicable.

If this is something you are considering, I encourage you to check out the IACP website and/or check their CP professional directory to find someone to help you.

I’ve been a practicing lawyer for two whole weeks. Here’s how it’s going.

My very first day was, blessedly, quite uneventful, just admin stuff. The first week went by very much the same. I did things like set up Notion, inquire about software subscriptions I knew I’d want, and update my LSO profile and bio for my firm’s website.

But you never stay quiet in family law for long.

By week two, I was already getting busy. I have been assigned five or six clients this week alone. I did expect to be busy relatively quickly - I was warned by a few people that Kingston, as a city, is busy for family law work. My very first task was an email from opposing counsel needing a fast resolution on something. I can’t lie, I read it, and immediately freaked out thinking “OMG I have no idea”. But that was just first-lawyer-task-ever jitters. I made a cup of tea, came back, locked in, reread it, and it was resolved within two emails.

And after that, I felt that, yeah, I was in the right career. I love problem solving and figuring things out. I felt a little daunted the first time I read that email because I care deeply about doing a good job and ensuring my clients receive good legal counsel. In my brief moment of doubt, I just had this anxiety about letting the client down. I was truly making a mountain out of a molehill because I think I’ve billed 20 minutes to fix the problem - it did not take much at all.

Adding to the workload, I was invited to shadow collaborative practice (“CP”) files with a lawyer at my firm, which I’m quite psyched about. My goal as a lawyer is to build a practice focused on amicable divorce, so I’m very interested in gaining more experience in CP. Plus, the lawyer that I’m working with is fabulous. She’s wicked smart and works in a way that’s similar to me in terms of resolving conflict. I think it has the potential to be a deeply rewarding professional relationship, so I’m excited to see how it goes!

And on a more personal note, I broke my toe on Friday (sad), but I was in and out of the hospital in ONE (1) HOUR. I love Canada’s universal healthcare, but an efficient trip to emergency is truly unheard of. This story is going to go triple platinum when I retell it at parties.

Hello, and welcome to Like A Lawyer.

I started this Substack to share honest, practical insight on law, career development, and building an ambitious professional life without losing yourself in the process.

It’s for lawyers, but it’s also for young professionals from diverse backgrounds who are figuring out how to grow, make strategic career decisions, and navigate workplaces that were not always designed with them in mind. It’s for people who are ambitious and career-driven, but who also want to prioritize self-care, mental well-being, and a life outside of work.

I’ll share no-BS insights on building a career, navigating life as a lawyer, and growing in your work without losing sight of who you are. I’ll also write about family law, including practical information for people navigating separation or divorce, as well as healthier relationships and more constructive approaches to conflict.

I’m passionate about helping people and solving problems, so if I can share insights that help someone in any capacity, my goal is met.

So, who am I?

I’m Jen, an associate lawyer practicing family law. I’m trained in collaborative practice and have a particular interest in helping people navigate separation and divorce as amicably and thoughtfully as possible.

Alongside practical legal and career insight, I’ll share personal reflections on life as a lawyer, the transition into the profession, and what it takes to build a career with both intention and perspective.

Like A Lawyer is a space for honest conversations about work, law, ambition, and identity, including what it means to grow in your career without letting it consume who you are.

I hope you’ll join my little corner of the Internet and subscribe!